The Divorce – Despair

de⋅spair

– noun

• loss of hope; hopelessness
• someone or something that causes hopelessness

– verb

• to lose, to give up, to be without hope
• to give up the hope of

During this process I have considered the man I fell in love with, and decided to marry dead. I mean that. I think that, that man is gone forever. And that saddens me. There are times I look back on times, very good times, we had. I also realize they are glazed over happy moments. Memories tend to do that. Now, I loved him.  I truly loved him. But he is gone. That person no longer exists on this planet. The man who is there now merely shares his name. That I suppose makes me sad.

What makes my heart ache, and makes me cry even as I type this is how stupid I was to think he was still there. Like how people see dead people they loved everywhere. I suppose it is part of the grief cycle. That denial.

The man I fell in love with would never do all the horrible things that this jerk has done. I just wonder where that man I loved went, when he left. In retrospect I should have seen that man, the one I loved, dying. I should have. Was I so selfish I could not even notice that he was slipping from me? Was I that stupid? Or even what makes me tear more… what if it was all an act from the start? People have done stranger things.

Did I fall in love with love? Did I fall in love with make believe?

Is it unrealistic to still dream for that ‘one’? That ‘love’? The one that knocks your socks off, heals your soul, and just makes you float? Or is it all a fairy tale? Are all men so easy to dispose of their emotions. That is what I wonder. That betrayal stings so deeply. So very deep, the kind that makes your body shake in crying. The one that makes your mind and thoughts split, makes your heart plummet to nausea.

He doesn’t care. That’s okay. He’s dead. Dead people don’t care about much I’m afraid. I suppose that is what hurts the most. He doesn’t care. He does not care. I cannot stop feeling loss and he DOES NOT CARE. I do not even love him, the man who is left over. I don’t. I love someone else now, someone who is far better yet…  I still feel that betrayal, that pain, that anger, that tightness under my jaw when I think about the ex. That embarassment, anger, humiliation, guilt. I don’t think I feel that love from anyone anymore. But I cannot stop these other emotions. That fear.

The Divorce – Visitation?!

Talk about delusional.

So the *bleep* wants the children to visit every other holiday, and for me to pay his children to visit him. When he is the one that abandoned the family. I sort of balked at the situation. We have year round school in Hawaii. Breaks are :

Fall  (10 days)
Winter (15 days)
Spring (10 days)
Summer (A few weeks)

Plus every other birthday. So… let us look at  *unnamed ticket place* dot com and see ticket prices from beautiful Hawaii to where the *bleep* lives with his *bleep* in Texas. My children being FOUR and SIX cannot sit down for ten minutes straight let alone eight hours. They will need adult supervision. Now other four year olds and six year olds MAY be able to make the trip unaccompanied. Mine, I promise you, would not. Even with the extra 100 dollars per child it would take for supervision per flight. There WILL be layovers.

Round Trip Tickets (x3)
Total Trip Price: $2504

PLEASE NOTE : This is not including if I have to come back to Honolulu after flying my kids to  JerkVille, which I will, then BACK out again to pick them up and fly with them back. But for some reason -MAGICALLY- I get to Texas, and have to spend NOTHING, and stay the week… this is the BEST case scenario. The likely cost  will be yet another round trip ticket and 4 days of my life GONE because he is an *bleep*  :

Per Person Price: $834

Let us do SIMPLE  math :  $2504 + $834 = $3338

Fall, Spring, Birthday, Birthday : 4 trips
4 x 3338= 13,352

Thirteen THOUSAND dollars. In trips. To see a father. Who never calls. I will have to pay. (HAHA Funny joke. So a guy doesn’t call his kids, and he tells his mother-in-law he broke his foot.  Last time I CHECKED… you did not need feet to dial a phone.)  So, that aside … my children are also having adjustment issues since he abandoned them without saying goodbye, and his rare phone calls. They have had to had special classes in school because they act out, and they need time to adjust. I continually hear they need CONSISTENCY in their schedules.

Now.

Do I want my children to never see their father again?
What a stupid question. I would love my children to have an actual relationship with their father. I would love him to call every night and talk to them more then three minutes. I would LOVE him to call them, write to them, write emails to them, send them gifts, pictures (without his mistress) and engage in a relationship with them. I would LOVE them -when they are old enough- to go on trips to new places and experience new things.

I do NOT, however, feel it appropriate to ask a FOUR year old who is having difficultly adjusting to his life, school, schedules, to uproot his life to visit UNACCOMPANIED on an airplane 8 hours plus layovers.

I do NOT think it is in the best interest of my children who need a stable environment right now to be moved around three or four times a year.

I do NOT find it acceptable that he gets to pick and choose when to be a father. He refuses to pay child support, yet wants me to pay for plane tickets for his kids to see him?

I do NOT find it acceptable that they have NO place to stay when he visits. They are expected to sleep on the couch.

I do NOT find it acceptable that the *bleeps*’s Lifestyle is that of immorality and teaches my children exactly the OPPOSITE of what I am trying to instill in them.

I do NOT find it acceptable that he wants them to visit when he is working nights (apparently) and wakes up at 8pm, goes to work at 10pm, and returns at 6am. So the times they are awake (5am – 9pm) they will be spending most of that time with his 22 year old *bleep* and her daughter. (Which is an entire other rant, but she is a SELF PROCLAIMED home wrecker.)

My desires are :

Until the *bleep bleep*finds stability, maturity, and morality… I wish him to come here when he desires to spend time with his children.  Because of his past actions I wish these visitations to be on island. Due to his past threats, I want to make sure the kids do not leave Hawaii without my written permission.

Is that unreasonable?! Apparently so :

“the kids are old enough to fly by themselves. They have unaccompanied minor options with most airlines. it will cost 1304 total roundtrip for both boys leaving HI dec 23rd and returning Dec 28th. with a hundred dollar unaccompanied minor fee each way its 1504. This is just an example. same thing for summer… 2 weeks in advance is only 1247 for both boys and the hundred dollars both ways makes it 1447.”

Wow. Okay.

Jerk.

Question of the day

Okay. In respect to dating. Why is it if a man has children he is considered responsible and a ‘good guy’ but if women have children it is considered ‘a burden’?

Is this because society expects men not to care for their own children, therefore when they do it’s shocking?

A woman sees a man who already has kids and who is a participant in their lives usually (from what I have seen) thinks the man is a responsible and viable provider. Yet a woman who has children (from what I have seen) is used, and obviously could not keep a relationship.

Are you sick of double standards?

The Divorce – The Anniversary

I am allowed to be blah. And Blah I am. yesterday was my anniversary. All I wanted to do all day was throw various objects out of windows and murder various other people who are sleeping with my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I hate the cow.  And I am not being mean.  She is a cow.

I just don’t know what to do you know. I mean I try so very hard to do everything right and give this to god but in the end I just want to throttle someone. I keep reading the best revenge is God’s revenge. But I want that revenge NOW. Man I am impatient.

So here I am, alone. Dreaming of one guy I want but cannot have (and no not the jerk face) and I feel like a total tool. I mean what sort of loser am I really? I should be outside enjoying life, running in fields like some demented yeast infection commercial. No. I am inside moping. Praying that somehow the man I love will magically love me back when it just won’t happen that way, and while I am here my heart aching. . .

THE ASSHOLE IS IN TEXAS WITH A COW.

Man. As I said all day. The caps make me feel better.

The Divorce – Kids

Capitalized. As if it is an epic title. Well I suppose I should get over it but there are things that I simply cannot give to God. Or I give them over and keep taking them back. Over and over and over and over and over and over. I thought perhaps if I wrote them down that I could get over them. So THE DIVORCE here is going to be all about small aspects of the divorce that are driving me batty.

Okay, so el jerko has called a collective of once in the last month and a half. Now, I know he is expecting me to call him so the kids will talk to him, and if I bring it up he will lecture me about how the phone works ‘both ways’. Sort of like his whore of a girlfriend! She looks like a dude, but has tits. Anyway, the phone working both ways is beside the point. What it is, is that this is HIS relationship with the children. I have called him EVERY time the children asked to speak to their father. Every single time. Which has been zero.

At first I used to offer to them “Hey dudes, want to call your dad?” The answer was always no. I sat and spoke to them several times that they can ask mom anytime they like to call dad. The collective sum of this calling has been zero. Nothing. Nadda.  So what do I do? I do nothing. I am not going to force the children to talk to someone they do not want to talk to. I am not going to remind them daily it is alright to talk to their father.

Besides which, they are -children-. It is his responsibility as an adult to contact his -children-. He is sacrificing his relationship to ‘prove a point’ or something, and it really saddens my heart. What an ASS.

His calls last about three minutes and consist of “I miss you, how are you, what have you been doing…” Then silence as he tries to decipher what the children are saying and says “That’s great!” – I mean come on.  He does not know his children, he never calls, he never writes. After he calls the kids seem unaffected until the next day, or sometimes sad. My eldest son asked for a new dad for his next birthday.

Please note, I have never spoken ill about their dad in front of them. That just isn’t right. They ask where he is, why he is where he is I tell them “That is something you should talk to your dad about! Do you want to call him?” And they say no. I have explained certain things, but he abandoned the family. I am picking up the pieces. So in this, I try to really listen to my children, and gague how well, or poorly they are doing. Their behavior TANKS after he calls, and levels out two days later. Thank GOD he doesn’t call nightly in that respect. I could not play crowd control daily. But it is as if … ‘You’re not going to call regularly WHY CALL?’

It is ridiculous. And yet, in the back of my mind always I feel so bad for my children. So what do I do? Do I force the children to call their father? Or do I let the chips fall where they may?

LET ME KNOW!
XOXOXO

Where to begin?!

I tried doing another blog on my own site but so many issues with updating it caused me to finally stop. I had about twenty posts written up but only one ever went through. It was such a pain in the ass.

So once again I am returning to WordPress, but I came to a dull realization. I didn’t want my other blog that I once had up. I wanted to start fresh so that el jerko wouldn’t be snooping in it. Not that the name is absolutely origional or anything. It’s just… well… hello. Beyr.

Anyway, I really wanted to replace my “HELLO WORLD” post ASAP because that thing was downright annoying, and I am rambling so I can take up some space here. Alright, that’s about it for now. I’ll have a thoughtful and insightful blog later.

XOXOXO